Discretion is the better part of valor...

Said by Falstaff in King Henry the Fourth, Part One, by William Shakespeare.

Also said, much more frequently by my late father. It's probably the phrase I moat associate with him, along with Rank has its privileges. Of course, Falstaff was meaning discretion in battle, not to charge foolhardedly. My father, on the other hand, meant discretion meaning who you tell what to. Not quite my mother's alcoholic child type secrecy about everything, just good old fashioned, everyone really isn't interested in what you had for breakfast last week.

In that vein, I present the Top Ten Occasions Not to talk about your Hemorroids:

10. Any meal, private or public. This includes the Lord's Supper.

9. Public restrooms.

8. Walmart. Talking in hushed tones in the pharmacy to one of the licensed "people who could actually be helpful and are paid to listen to that type of thing" is acceptable. Talking to your daughter about it in housewares is not.

7. Any confined space. Car, airplane seat and elevator all included.

6. Victoria's Secret. Let's be honest. Thongs and the big H are mutually exclusive.

5. Telling the world you accidently used Preparation H for toothpaste is very close to talking about 'roids. Watch yourself.

4. Although the condition is part of every post-partum horror story, be careful of mixed company. The non-female members of society do no understand that the roid pain can be dramatically lessened by the pain of the um, stitches.

3. The woman cutting your hair and the man helping you try on shoes are not nodding in sympathy. They screaming in their heads "THIS PERSON NEEDS BOUNDARIES!!" They will be at the intervention where your family and friends confront you about your need to go back to Kindergarten to learn about Personal Space, both physically and emotionally.

2. Media of any kind. No press releases, no televison news, no blogs. Please note that I am not discussing my own traumas here, but giving helpful advice to those who so obviously need it.

1. Church. Especially if you are the pastor. Especially if you are giving the sermon on Easter Sunday and you are relating them to Jesus' pain on the cross. The eerie silence you hear isn't admiration, it's shock.


Nuff said.