Really, I wrote this myself...

Wholy smoke I just got a bajillion whiny emails saying I have not updated this since people stopped clapping and Tinkerbell died... You would not believe the amount of people that are totally stalking me. But I'm sorry you'll just have to take my word for it..

I am overwhelmed with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, learning to speak Japanese, just generally being a hindrance to various lawyers I met recently, my day sprawls from crawling out of bed at 6.30 to midnight. I am not complaining though. it will be fun fun fun till they take my TBird away.

I won't promise anything to you but I will make more of an effort to blog more often. No, really! What do you mean you don't believe me?. Ok, so I delegated

Just say No...

I have a new personal credo. I will now say NO to any request that includes any of the following phrases:

1. You don't have to be creative
2. It'll only take an hour or two of your time (since you're so busy)
3. It's all laid out for you, just follow the directions.
4. You don't have to think
5. You can't mess it up
6. You can't fail.

I believe if you can't fail, you can't succeed either. Without some risk, there's no personal cost, and if there's no personal cost, there can be no personal reward.


I bring this up, because ol' ABC is recruiting for Vacation Bible school this week. They're expecting about 400 children, so they need 200 volunteers. Yeah, you read that right. A whopping 2 to 1 ratio. I could teach algebra to second graders with that kind of ratio. And the ages are 3 (potty trained) to entering 6th grade. Hmmm.


Now, what we do for VBS is go to this lovely company called Group Publishing, and buy or steal the idea for their VBS for the year. It's a packaged kit, with all the games, t-shirt patterns, snack ideas etc. Then we tweak it for our doctrin and rename it, so it's not plagerism. See how that works? Today, our Sunday school class was asked to help decorate for this event. Key words: You don't have to be creative. It's only a couple of hours. It's all laid out for you, can't mess it up.

A trifecta folks! Nope, I won't be there being uncreative for a couple of hours. Too many creative failures to accomplish, yanno?

I like things to cost, to be a challenge. Failure gives me a chance to learn something, and success only has meaning if there is a risk you won't succeed.

Really, if you are in charge of a VBS, and you purchase a kit, even tweaking it for doctrinal postitions, basically 2 things will happen.

1. Everyone will call you afterwards and tell you what a great thing it was, how much they enjoyed it, how the kids had a blast, ad nauseum. You immediately go back to the website, where they will already begin pushing VBS 2008 kits.

2. The calls will come, and they hated it. (Not likely, but work with me here) They will assure you it's not personal, and it's not, because while you shopped and organized and delegated, you will get over it a hell of a lot faster than if it were your "creative baby." And the 2008 kits will already be available on line, so you can go forth and tweak again.

Funny, no one rolls beeswax candle and colors with crayons at VBS anymore....

Some new friends

I just discovered this website, and the search features alone make this a site I will visit quite often.

The Liberal Oasis

For instance, was it ever publicized here in the Republican Holyland that while the Democratic funding bill the President signed did not have a pull out deadline, it does forbid Permanent Bases in Iraq. Period, no guarding cities no guarding oil fields permanently. Yet, apparently, no one in the White House read the bill either, because they are planning permanent bases as we live and breath...

Couldn't say it any better...

Here's a link to a CNN story.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/04/martin.jesus/index.html

Makes me wish I could have coherent thoughts such as those.

Holy Hot Dogs, Batman!

Okay, if your upper middle class church is sitting in the middle of the main area of HUD housing in your town, an area so poor that during the summer, where there is no school lunch, the Methodists from the other side of town bring sack lunches and cereal to all the kiddoes, what is a great way to raise money?

Can you say competitive eating? Like a hot dog eating contest for the church elite leaders? Which leader can eat the most hot dogs in ten minutes? For those of you keeping score at home, the record, from the annual Nathan's Famous July 4th Gluttony Fest is 53 hot dogs in 12 minutes. The pros practice with methods familiar to most bulimics.

So, we have a demonstration of waste, gluttony and all that in an area where people go to bed hungry. What kind of message are we sending here???

One good reason to be a vegetarian...

If Chick Fil A used this cow to convince me to Eat More Chicken, I would listen. Problem is, it's not really a cow.

See, the preacher was giving a talk about the angels that announced the birth of Jesus. He joked that the worship team thought this was one terrifying angel. He told them it's just that they had never seen a real angel, that they were scary in real life. Somehow the poor guy missed the fact that the angel was scary because it looked more like a demonic cow. Even my teen aged son thought so.

Demonic cows like this do belong in novels. Just gotta figure out how. But the downfall of a church starts with demonic cows. They can protest the annual church picnic. Or they can be seen only by the True Believes. Hmm, back to work.

Great Quote du Jour

"Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening." Barbara Tober.

pretty much sums up life here in the Republican Holyland.

Funding Texas Public Education

It wasn't on my to-do list today, but over oatmeal this morning, I think I solved the public education funding problem in Texas. Along with the problem of Division 1A football and basketball players not graduating from universities.

There's a ton of money in College Football. Everyone knows that. And then there are complaints that not enough players in college athletics graduate. Some blame the "raw materials." So let's kill two birds with one stone. Let some money from College Athletics go to Texas Public education.

1. There's lots of money. This goes without saying.
2. You can spend it now or later. Either football (basketball too) funds schools while the future players are getting their basics done, or they'll have to pay for tutors later. Might as well do it now. Just do it, remember?
3. Better educated freshmen tend to graduate. Tend to get better grades.
4. They could at least fund high school athletics. Like farm teams, only state wide.
5. Someone's going to get the money eventually. May as well be public school kids now, rather than some other state program later.
6. Wouldn't you feel better paying $75 a ticket if you knew that some little kindergartener would be able to have a fresh box of crayons?

Not all the money, not most of the money. But could you imagine what 3% of the gate and television money from university athletics could do for your school??

What I'd like to do to spammers....

Don't know if I've posted it before. It's been out looking for a satire home, but is still homeless, so here's a place.


Email, Emote, Elope





Date: Wed, 7 Jul 2004 13:14:51 -0500
From: clueless@mynet.net
To: Dodfrjjkhjkfh@ezmail.com
Subject: Re: Amazing Results...Make her happy tonight!

Dear Mr. Dodfrjjkhjkfh@ezmail.com:
Thank you so much for your generous offer. While I personally do not have a penis myself, it is good to know that if I did, enhancing it would be both discreet and affordable. I rest easier at night knowing that you are out there rounding up affordable solutions for common people. At last, massive growth is no longer for the rich and elite.

Sincerely,
Trish Carson


Date: Thu, 9 Jul 2004 11:32:51 -0500
From: clueless@mynet.net
To: Dodfrjjkhjkfh@ezmail.com
Subject: Re: Amazing Results...Make her happy tonight!

Dear Mr. Dodfrjjkhjkfh@ezmail.com:
My goodness, you are a persistent one, aren’t you? Unfortunately, I still have not obtained a penis and cannot take advantage of this incredible offer for affordable herbal penile enlargement. However, with your kind permission, I have forwarded your timely offer to a transgendered friend of mine, Jerry. Jerry used to be Jeri, but discovered through an on-line therapy group that she was actually a man trapped in a women’s body. It was quite a revelation, to say the least. She thought she simply suffered from a mild seasonal depression. Apparently, her maleness had been suppressed for all these years. Her husband of 30 years was also shocked, as were her six children. But with her new life as a man, Jerry has no real income at the moment and cannot afford the usual surgery for people in that situation. Perhaps your product can help Jerry achieve his maximum manhood.

Sincerely,
Trish Carson.


Date: Sat, 17 Jul 2004 13:14:51 -0500
From: clueless@mynet.net
To: iksrhksjdfkjet@bigstuff.com
Subject: Re: Amazing Results...Make her happy tonight!

Dear Mr. Dodfrjjkhjkfh@ezmail.com:
I received the most interesting email. You will be delighted to know that my friend Jerry has purchased your penile enlargement product and is reporting excellent results! I will be honest and say that I have not seen the “patient” with my own eyes, but Jerry told me that he can now urinate while standing and feels a strong desire to belch during football games. Not to mention a “warm tingly feeling” when the camera pans to those scantily clad cheerleaders. Jerry’s ex-husband, Butch, is beside himself with grief. He apparently feels his manhood threatened by his former wife’s new size and potency, but again, I am only telling you this second hand. I have no way of comparing the two, as Jerry has been pretty scarce as of late, roaming nightclubs and all. I have had my hands full comforting Butch and helping him with those six poor motherless children. Butch’s lawyer insists he should sue the on-line therapy group, but you know how the internet works... no accountability and ever-changing domain names. In fact, I noticed that the latest email I received from you was not from Mr. Dodfrjjkhjkfh@ezmail.com at all but from a Mr. iksrhksjdfkjet@bigstuff.com, but I recognized the graphics and immediately knew it had to be you. You have quite a distinct way with words, but you probably know that.

Thank you for all the good you are doing in this horrible situation and your continued support,
Trish Carson

Date: Sat, 24 Jul 2004 13:14:51 -0500
From: < clueless@mynet.net >
To: < iksrhksjdfkjet@bigstuff.com >
Subject: Re: Amazing Results...Make her happy tonight!

Dear Mr. Dodfrjjkhjkfh@ezmail.com:
I am sorry that this has to be an email, but I have no proper physical address for you. Butch and I would like to invite you to our wedding on August 6th, 2004, at 3:00 in the afternoon at the City Hall here in Peabody, Oklahoma. I would just be delighted if you could come be a part of this celebration.

With Kind Regards,
Trish Carson


Date: Wed, 8 Sept 2004 13:21:41 -0500
From: < clueless@mynet.net >
To: < iksrhksjdfkjet@bigstuff.com >
Subject: Re: Amazing Results...Make her happy tonight!

Dear Mr. Dodfrjjkhjkfh@ezmail.com:
Thank you so much of thinking of me once again. Your offer for on-line marriage counseling has come at a most opportune time. Jerry stopped using your remarkable product and began insisting that he is Jeri once again. This has caused much emotional anguish for poor Butch. One of his daughters has even gone so far as to accuse me of pushing Jeri to the original therapy group and breaking up her parents' marriage. Of course, I assured her that I was only trying to be a good friend and help Jerry find his true self. I also spoke in your defense as well, that you were only making sure all people had access to the available modern medical miracles. Jerry is currently institutionalized after an unfortunate accident with some herbal sleeping aids that you offered in last month's Healthy Pharmaceutical Newsletter, so the marriage counseling will be just the ticket to help Butch remember why he married me in the first place. I am just so glad that I have a friend in you who is there to support and equip me to help Butch through this temporary crisis.

Sincerely,
Trish Carson-Butterworth

Date: Fri, 24 Sep 2004 13:04:11 -0500
From: < clueless@mynet.net >
To: < iksrhksjdfkjet@bigstuff.com >
Subject: Re: Amazing Results...Make her happy tonight!

Dear Mr. Dodfrjjkhjkfh@ezmail.com:
Thank you so much for your kind offer for herbal breast enlargement products. I was quite surprised to get an email from you on that particular product because I had breast reduction surgery 17 years ago due to the excruciating pain of my 56EEE’s. Butch assures me that the surgeons left plenty behind, so I will not need that particular product. I did want to ask you though, would it be possible to slip the herbal penile enlargement product in, say, a gentleman’s beer, and make it so he wouldn’t taste the difference?

Trish.

What did I do?

Lately, the type of spam I have been getting has changed from advertisements for products to help my, um, performance, to hard core...day trader ads. I'm am apprised at least fifty times a day about the latest stock that is soaring and don't I want to get in on the action now?

So how did I even end up on those lists? This doesn't quite keep me up at night, but it does keep me wondering while I'm supposed to be working. Sure, I need something to assist with the delicate art of procrastination, but stock tips? I'm from Texas, stock tipping is what you do in the middle of the night while the herd is sleeping, right? Not during the day by email.

I've been thinking hard about whether or not some new newsletter has sold my email, or if spam is cyclical in nature. I mean there is a natural spam cycle, otherwise, I wouldn't get my annual Nieman Marcus cookie recipe and know that it is time to start Christmas shopping. But I don't remember a stock slam quite as bad as it has been lately, an assault on all fronts.

Cut and Run

Much has been written in Cyberland about how the Powers That Be look down upon those who would pull our troops out of Iraq. We must stay the course, They say. We cannot cut and run. That's what they call leaving the place in chaos. Cut and Run. Of course, the funny thing is, none of the people I personally know saying this have children over there saving the Middle East from Chaos.

They do however, have children. Children that they are removing from Public Schools, because of the chaos. They will not sacrifice the futures of their children to help save the public schools. (Those other children there? Let there own parents worry about them. Pass me a voucer request form.)

So to make sure I understand. Pulling troops out of harms way in another country's civil war, Cut and Run. Pulling children out of public schools until all the people who actually care and have the means and motivation to be useful are gone with them, NOT cutting and running? What's the difference?

Put another way, the purpose of education, to some, is not to better oneself in the world, but to keep a nice sized gap between the Them and Us. Education is about keeping people in their places and able to read well enough to follow orders when we send them to fight our oil corporation's, uh, I mean, country's wars.

Or would you rather be a mule...

Or would you like to swing on a star, carry moon beams home in a jar, be a lot better off than you are....or would you rather be


An airport.

That's the latest analogy for a local congregation. Big glossy photo enhanced runways adorn the lobby and the handouts. Runways. Because you're not welcome to stay very long.

From Wiki:

An airport is a facility where aircraft can take off and land. At the very minimum, an airport consists of one runway (or helipad), but other common components are hangars and terminal buildings. Apart from these, an airport may have a variety of facilities and infrastructure, including fixed base operator services, air traffic control, passenger facilities such as restaurants and lounges, and emergency services. A military airport is known as an airbase in North American terminology



Not someplace you want to hang around very much. In fact, today's airports are ground zero in the war against terror, so for sure, the little church is more an air base for war than a place to wait for your transportation to a lovely south seas vacation. You don't meet people at air ports, the ones who are there are there to serve you or search you. Someone may come in from the outside to meet you, but please call ahead, because no one wants to hang around there.

Again from Wiki :Airports have a captive audience, and consequently the prices charged for food is generally higher than are available elsewhere in the region.


I always thought a church was an embassy. Or even a consulate.

Wiki again: A diplomatic mission is a group of people from one state or an international inter-governmental organization (such as the United Nations) present in another state to represent the sending state/organization in the receiving state. In practice, a diplomatic mission usually denotes the permanent mission, namely the office of a country's diplomatic representatives in the capital city of another country...A Consulate is similar to (but not the same as) a diplomatic office, but with focus on dealing with individual persons and businesses, as defined by the Vienna Convention on Consular Relations. A Consulate is generally a representative of the Embassy in locales outside of the capital city. For instance, The British Embassy to the United States is in Washington, D.C., and there are British Consulates in Los Angeles, New York City, Houston, and so on....The role of such a mission is to protect in the receiving State the interests of the sending State and of its nationals, within the limits permitted by international law; negotiating with the Government of the receiving State as directed by the sending State; ascertaining by lawful means conditions and developments in the receiving State, and reporting thereon to the Government of the sending State; promoting friendly relations between the sending State and the receiving State, and developing their economic, cultural and scientific relations.

Yep. A place to go when you're in trouble in a foreign land. A place where people are waiting to help you.

18Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation,

19namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.

20Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.(NASV)


Not pilots, not air traffic controllers, not air marshalls, not flight attendents and not ticket agents. Ambassadors.

So not an airport or an air base, but an embassy.

My name is Crafty Peaches and I am a Web Newsletter Junkie....

They say the first step is to admit you have a problem. Well, I probably get about twenty different webbased newsletters. A week. Sure, not too bad, but I get them from both sides of the political aisle as well as several from Australia and India. Must say, the one from India is most polite.

Today, I got the Townhall.com newsletter's take on the "foiled terroist attack." (I must apologize, I do not have the funds available to come up with a logo and themesong every time the country is "under attack." ) There was about a two hundred and fifty word commentary on the author's opinion that we are strengthening the terrorists and "we in this country will have learned nothing from this near-horrific episode if we fail to strengthen our resolve to win the war on terrorism." Yeah, whatever.

Here's what gets me, the fine print at the bottom:

"Townhall.com Commentaries go past today's headlines to give you concise and penetrating insight into the most pressing challenges facing our culture today. These commentaries cover everything from politics to popular culture, from faith to international relations and family values to the progress of the war on terrorism."

Will somebody please explain to me how you can give penetrating insight in less than five hundred words of something so complex as international relations and terrorism?? Concise, sure, but enough information to form personal opinions? This seems to be a case of not "here's what I think" , but rather, "Here is what you should think, today."

He didn't need ink catridges, that's for sure.

When asked why he wrote "The Name of the Rose," Umberto Eco replied, "I felt like poisoning a monk." Seems as good reason as any to write a novel. And he didn't realize monks were such a good source of office supplies.

But that's not really what I want to rant about today. I was offered an opportunity to be a Bible Study leader in what appeared to be a low-effort Bible Study. You know, fill in the blanks on the basic essentials of the faith. Making sure we all have the doctrine thing down. Because that is exactly what is most important. And if I could think of a Christian, dead or alive, whom I admired soley for his or her immpeccable doctrine, I would let you all know.

But the offer bothered me. It was so minimal, like I am so shallow that asking me for the paltry two and half hours a week was such an extravagant request. I said no, not because they asked too much, but they asked too little. It wouldn't cost. I'm no David, but he wouldn't give a sacrifice that wouldn't cost and he was a man after God's own heart. Not sure about his doctrinal purity, but oh well.

The whole place has seen an incredible growth in the size of the paid staff, professional Christians who are there to do the hard stuff. The rest of us are there to follow the directions and do what we're told. Good sheep. I however, am a bad sheep. I'm the one who's bound to go wondering off in odd directions. Mostly because the ground isn't so trampled. Like the No Child Left Behind act in the school system dumbs down the entire learing process, the No Christian Left Behind attitude reduces service to a least common denominator. No one gets to aspire to know God better than the professional staff. There are few people that have a walk with God that I admire and would like to emulate. This saddens me. Church should be a place where you aspire to go and do great things, where the distant shores seem less misty. You should leave with the fragrance of life still clinging to your clothing. Instead, we leave with homework, "have a five minute quiet time every day." Some aspirations. But the attitude seems to be "How can you say no when so little is required?"

That's the problem. Too little is asked.

About the same time as the BS email, I received an email from the Voice of the Martyrs, a group that publicizes the persecution of Christians around the world. There are the people who when much was asked, more was given.

It hit me: American Christians aren't "persecuted" because of their spiritual beliefs. They are attacked for thier counter culture. Not for believing in Jesus, but for saything they do and living a life that says otherwise. A life that says Jesus's blood is good enough for me, but not for you, unless you... A life that says God doesn't really know what to do with people who go against His ways, but we do...
A life that proclaims a hope unfounded, yet has a stockpile in the grain silo, just in case.

It's the responses of the persecuted that give it away. The non-Americans in the email emit the spirit of "Father, forgive them, they're clueless." Versus, "Take back the country" approach favored here. That's what points me to Jesus, forgiveness and love, not a voter registration drive to get the latest Focus on the Family bigot elected to office.

But as Jane Wagner says, "The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool."

Engaging whose Culture...

If you google "engaging the culture," there are about thirty seven thousand hits. Funny, but if you google "engaging our culture" there are about four hundred. There are eighteen for "engaging your culture." It tells me that American Christians don't claim the American culture. Even though it is pretty firmly entrenched in most of us. I say this because it seems to me if one isn't enjoying the culture of our homeland, one is enjoying fighting it. Even if one is totally ignorant of what they mean by culture.

What is the American culture? Is it the works of literature and art that happen to come out of American people? Is it the movies? The products and services that we produce and purchase? What influences the culture? Is it the people who influence the culture or the culture that influences the people? Apparently from the sites, Christians can influence the culture without it influencing them back, but non Christians are certainly influenced by the culture without having much impact on it.As if the act of accepting Jesus as your lord and savior is a vaccination against cultural infection.But what I don't understand is how you can want to reach people you obviously cannot stand or respect.

I only wish I thought of it first....

(Warning, contains the word shit. Do not watch the video if that offends you. Don't watch CNN either, because you'll hear it there too. Fox news probably bleeps it.)

Our new national anthem perhaps??

http://tinyurl.com/nr52c

Satire, the art of intelligentia...

the King George Version...

Not for those who have no appreciation of fine satire...

A voice of Reason

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tony-campolo/being-an-oxymoron_b_22895.html

Tony's been one of my heroes ever since I read about his birthday party for a hooker in Phillip Yancy's What's so Amazing about Grace.

I wish I could find a picture of this...

We have this great new sculpture in town. Right between the two cities of the Texas Microplex, on the border, we have an arch way, with the sculpture smack dab in the middle. Two sisters, releasing doves. That's their story and they're sticking to it.

New people can be swayed by the nice story of two sisters releasing nice peaceful doves.

But there's trouble here in the Twin Cities. Trouble that starts with "T" and that rhymes with "B" which stands for...

Birds.

We have major bird issues here, and I'm not talking about the influx of Birders who think they would get to see some rare species here and come in droves in the summer. (I don't know if they come in droves. If they do, it's hard to distinguish them from the cheerleaders, firemen, soccer, football, softball, and tennis players who are all here for one thing or another. And the incoming freshmen with their over protective uber-parents. But we're talking Birds here.)

I believe Mr. Hitchcock was inspired by our bird troubles here. Sure, the birds are supposed to be crows in his classic film, but don't they bear a striking resemblence to our beloved grackles??
the Bird Problem solved...


Of course, we have tons of bird experience. Remember the egrets? read about them here.


My first grackle experience was my freshman year at A&M. The dorm at spring break. An explosion rocked my modular dorm, shaking the window. I went to the hall and found the neighbor, a senior engineering major, studying in the hall. She looked up and said, "Bird bombs. It's quieter out here."
Yep, even in 1983, the campus sent trucks with cannons around to discourage nesting grackles.

But the thing is, this statue? It's supposed to be two little girls releasing doves?

If you drive by really slow and look carefully, I swear it's two little girls fighting off a grackle attack.

It's about keeping score, isn't it?

I've heard it said that money doesn't really mean anything except as a way of keeping score. It's the point system that helps companies know how they are doing in the world. If the top leaders are driving Mercedez to the airport to get on the private jet, things must be going well, right? Well, not as well as if the leaders aren't driving and the chauffeur is, but you get the point.

Thing is, in all of Jesus' parables and lessons, I don't see Him giving us a clear way to keep score. Which leaves a problem for the church. How do you know you're doing OK without a means of keeping score? Count heads in pews? Postcards stating "re-committment"?

Um, how about measurable goals? When do we cross the line between setting our sights high for God and sounding like an oil company plotting the next quarter?

From a local congregation:

1. EVANGELIZE THE LOST
100% of our membership and 60% of our congregation trained in and actively
engaged in evangelism according to their gifting within 5 years.
100% of GBC members and 60% of our congregation will participate at least
annually in a community outreach or service project.
We will personally communicate the gospel of grace to every resident of B/CS within
a generation.
Within 5 years we will personally communicate the gospel of grace to every student
at xxx and xxx before he or she graduates.

...there's more, but I don't want to go beyond fair use here.

Yep, definitely a way to keep score. So what if these things happen? Or what if they don't? Can we really justify running a church like a business? How exactly does someone measure "evangelism according to their gifting"? By attendance, or my worse fears, the collection plate?